i know i've been a bit obscure about what exactly it is i relapse on, and i'll keep it that way for curiosity's sake as well as anonymity. it also makes my poetry more of a game, doesn't it. oh, lets try and figure out what's wrong with &, shall we?
because while the first relapse from a few months back was a shock to the system thats all fun and good but it lasted a long while didn't it, and i was disappointed beyond all atmospheres of existence. yes but you see this time it was twice the relapse, twice in one night and you know, i don't think it'll last very long. its been less than a week and you see im doing better than i thought i would. margaret is doing better too, not that it affects her in any way.
and that's just no good because my mind thinks huh, no one knows no one even has a hint, and im doing just fine, so why not tonight, why not tomorrow, why not make it a habit again, not healthy by any means but an easy secret as i know well, and so damn familiar. we all like familiarity even if we hate it.
and im not asking for help because im well aware i need it but simutaneously i know precisely what is wrong and precisely how to fix it. understanding the brain as well as i do makes you that way, makes you know why you do everything, why you want to do everything, and while it's fascinating and all it's still quite annoying. so while the first relapse wasn't severe it lasted a while and this one is somewhat worse i don't foresee it dragging on. my mind says if i do it more the less of a problem i'll have in the end. which is, obviously, wrong, seeing as the whole connotation fo this discussion is not positive in the least. if the relapse was writing poetry then we'd be having a lovely metaphorical discussion but we're not, are we.
so i've gathered the balances and i want to continue with the habit and let it 'heal' me because long term damage is minimal has little to no interference with my everyday life and i function quite well. on the other hand i find it primitive and basic and find it somewhat of a hassle. too emotional. emotions are strength, yes, i understand that but my mind still shuns them as also primitive and basic. i've been working on it but im too practical to devote much time to it (could be breathing or something). i'm so illogical sometimes my own idiocy threatens to hurl me through a window (defenestration, for curiosity, from the word 'fenêtre' in french). so while i have a decent argument on both sides the practical one (the former) is in the lead in their case but the strongest opponent makes the point of it requiring lots of monitoring. no fun there.
maybe i'll ask the dragons to convince me otherwise.
oh, and, no, i'm not crazy. i'm an artist.
some synonyms make a big difference, don't they.
take care of yourselves better than i do <3
Listening to: new plumbing